Snap, Crackle, POP Culture Overload

Recently my family traveled from all over the world to gather in New Orleans for my sister’s wedding.  One of the great things about a destination wedding is that the guests can treat the weekend as a vacation as well as support the bride and groom.  It’s pretty much a win-win situation. 

My family members are all pretty much reluctant to hang around each other for extended periods of time independent, so we all branched off and did our own things around the French Quarter during our down time between scheduled wedding festivities.  On one of the days I met up for lunch with my sister, Joyce, and her husband, Ted, who were visiting from their home in New York.  Ted was giving me a run-down on that day’s events, which included several historical building tours.

Ted: It was pretty neat.  The ceilings and walls were covered with beautiful paintings, you know, like that artist guy, Leonard Da…what’s that guy’s name again?  Leonardo Da…

Me: Caprio?

Silence

Joyce: Isn’t that the guy from Titanic?

Me: Oh yeah…ooops.

Ted: Vinci!  Da Vinci.  Yeah… him.  Beautiful paintings.

It was then that I realized I probably needed to scale back my pop culture magazine consumption and visit a few high culture art exhibits before my brain turns to mush and I go all “Jersey Shore” intelligence on people.

Yeah, we’re a cultured bunch.

Lobsters, Shared Toilets and Stairs – Oh My!

So my parents recently returned from a trip to New England, Portsmouth to be exact. I stopped by their house on Monday morning to get a free cup of coffee visit for a while. Up until that day, the only news I had received from their trip was my mom’s random calls from New Hampshire.

Me: Hello?

Mom: Abby! You HAVE to see this BEAUTIFUL car we rented! It’s a Crown Vic. We are riding in style girl! The scenery is so beautiful here! And the Crown Vic has leather, and lots of cup holders, GPS…

Me: So I take it you arrived safely?

Mom: And it has the climate control too! Such a nice car. Crown VIC.

Me: Okay, have fun mom! I gotta go! Love you!

Mom: Oh, Abby, I wanted to ask you something…ummm..what was it I was gonna ask you?

Me: I don't know, mom.

Dad: (barely audible in the background) Joji, get off that phone and tell me where the next turn is on that map there!

Mom: Charles! Just listen to the GPS

Dad: I can’t understand what that thing is talking about! Just look at the map!

disconnected

So anyway...back to the coffee conversation.  I asked my dad how his trip went and he began describing basically the parts that were important to him.

Dad: Your mom must’ve ate lobster for every single meal. She can EAT some lobster. She put them things away like they was crawfish. We was at this one restaurant where they had them 1.5 pound lobsters. An your momma tells the waiter, ‘Ooooooo the lobster is only $12?! I’ll have TWO!’ They looked at her like she had T-total lost her mind, ya know. Cuz normally people only eat one.

Me: Yeah I know. So besides eating lobster, what all did you guys do?

Dad: Well, your momma wanted to stay at one of them bread and breakfasts.

Me: I’m pretty sure it’s called a BED and breakfast, Dad.

Dad: Well, whatever it is, them things ain’t nice at all. First of all, they have these narrow, steep old staircases. An’ you have to haul ALL your luggage to the 3rd floor. But worse than that, they only got ONE BATHROOM for three guest rooms. You have to knock on the door to make sure nobody is in there. An’ lemme tell ya, you can FORGET going to the bathroom in your underwear in the middle of the night. You have to get fully dressed just to take a piss in the middle of the night! Now that’s just ridiculous! I wouldn’t stay in one uh them bread and breakfasts again for all the tea in china. They’re for suckers.

Me: Is that it?

Dad: Yeah, pretty much. We mostly just drove around lookin’ for more lobster.

Yeah, my parents will not be writing for travel book companies any time soon.

A Classy Place to Poo

This past weekend included a 6 hour road trip to Austin, Texas to drop Brandon off at camp for the next two weeks. For fun, I brought along my sister Annie and a friend whose identity will be kept anonymous to protect the reputation of the ashamed innocent.

A few hours into our trip, somewhere near Huntsville, we collectively decided there was a need for a pit stop. I was asking where we should stop in this small town and my friend chimes in with, “I don’t know I just need to poo.” So I’m all, “Okay look, there’s a Shell station. We can stop there.” And she emphatically rejects my suggestion by yelling, “No! The gas station is disgusting! I need a classy place to poo. “, So I’m like, “A CLASSY place to poo?” And she’s all, “You know, somewhere clean and spacious. Where I can relax and concentrate.”

Realizing now that she was absolutely serious, the other occupants of the car are throwing out suggestions through their laughter.

Annie: “How about that Golden Corral?”

Classy Poo: “That’s no good. It’s a restaurant. People are eating and they might smell it when you come out. It would ruin their meal.”

Brandon: “There’s an office building right there, they would have a bathroom.”

Classy Poo: “Oooooo Brookshires, that looks like a nice place.”

Me: “No, that is a grocery store…they probably don’t specialize in classy bathrooms or feng shui atmosphere.”

Classy Poo: “Oh okay, well just stop at that McDonalds on the left. We can go there.”

So we all file inside so my friend could take a dump for rest and relaxation, and as everyone gathered back at the car, Brandon comes out and says “I don’t know about ya’ll, but my classy bathroom had KKK scratched into the toilet lid.”

That's one classy gal on the door!

On the road again...

Things I learned in San Francisco

LEGAL DISCLAIMER: The opinions and views expressed herein are those observed by myself and others in my party during our recent vacation in San Francisco, California, and are NOT to be considered applicable to ALL situations, nor are they to be considered fact in every situation to which they are applicable. The following statements are not to be perceived an official representation of the City of San Francisco and\or it’s residents. I retain the right to be held harmless by all potential readers for the effect, or lack thereof, which reading the following information may have on the reader. If you don’t agree with me, fine. If you have a problem with what you read, I don’t care. Enjoy!


THINGS I LEARNED IN SAN FRACISCO


1) Seagulls have a severe lack of respect for one’s personal space.

2)It is acceptable to sit back and enjoy the fresh and fragrant foods served at a vegan cult restaurant; but don’t drink the “special tea” in case it is laced with drugs to weaken your resistance to recruiting advances.

3) Fresh air is intoxicating.

4) A roof made of grass need not be mowed, but maintained by hand instead.

5) Brown sand on the beach appears black in color when scattered about your apartment floors and bathtubs.

6) You’ve never really known “passive-aggressive” until you have encountered rush hour on a San Francisco freeway

7) Sausalito waitress uniforms consist of 3 inch Prada pumps, an A-line skirt and a lovely silk blouse topped off with a cashmere cardigan tied neatly around the shoulders. The average diner at the restaurant is some sort of tourist and is therefore dressed in an “I ♥ SF” t-shirt, khaki shorts and a good pair of comfortable walking shoes.

8) There are NO Capital One Bank branches within 75 miles of San Francisco

9) It’s is difficult to enjoy the spiritual view from the top of a mountain when you are sweating like a pig, suffering from leg cramps, hyperventilating from the climb and succumbing to a spontaneous attack of vertigo. Cop-a-squat for a while, get your bearings, catch your breath and it will all be worthwhile in the end.

10) Ginger is the No. 1 remedy for sea-sickness

11) Locals are more impressed with the wind-resistance factor of your North Face windbreaker than your new Fendi bag

12) Richmond and Richmond District are two VERY different places in the SF metro area…be sure you know your destination before getting off the next bus stop

13) There are no known restaurants that serve Rice-A-Roni in San Francisco

14) The famous “Painted Ladies” are not the most beautiful restored Victorian homes in SF, but possible run along the most severe incline, and probably only became famous due to their appearance on the intro of the famous 90’s tv show, Full House.

15) Incense is a great bathroom air freshener, as it does well in covering unpleasant odors.

16) A house boat does not look at all like a boat, rather a house that floats on the water.

17) It IS possible to live in a major city and still feel like you are a part of nature.

18) The Asians and Homosexuals are not polite and friendly in San Francisco as they are in Louisiana.

19) It IS possible to feel the love on a street called Haight.

20) Hippies are nice to all strangers and have no fear of authority whatsoever

21) Real art…AUTHENTIC art…is breathtaking!

22) Prius is not just a brand of car, it’s a particular type of attitude. That’s all I will say about that for fear of insulting those who may fall into that category. lol

23) Public transportation is more complicated than it seems

24) Burmese food is an EXPLOSION of amazing and exotic flavors, and should be enjoyed often.

25) The key to surviving a “tasting day” in Napa Valley is: wine, water, diet coke…wine, water, diet coke…

26) A walk in the park can easily turn into a 5 mile hike. (“It’s just over that hill, Brandon, I’m SURE of it!”)

27) SF Tap water tastes waaaaay better than any bottled water and is addictive.

28) Seals are NOT cute in large numbers, they are EXTREMELY loud, and the smell REALLY badly

29) Cable cars are a dangerous form of transportation if you are a “standing rider”. They do not inform you ahead of time that the drivers will take extreme downhill slopes in excess of 30 mph and when your car passes another, the opposite car’s standing riders will knock you OFF your car if both parties do not take special care in leaning inward toward their respective cars. They also make several VERY abrupt stops, so do not try to impress your friends by saying “Look!!! I can hold on with just one hand!!”

30) San Franciscans are WEATHER SPOILED!!!! They have NO idea what potential a bad weather day REALLY holds.

31) The No. 1 lessoned I learned during my stay in SF is that Alysson and Miah will make FANTASTIC parents one day! (Thanks for a GREAT time sis!!)

My newly Puerto Rican Child

Okay, so I just returned home after spending 9 days in the British Virgin Islands so rather than make you jealous with about a hundred stories of how gorgeous, relaxing, exciting, fantastic and perfect my vacation was last week, I have decided to share with you the circumstances surrounding a small mishap we experienced during our trip home....Picture it..place-the airport at San Juan, Puerto Rico, time-sometime late afternoon Saturday. We had a 3 hour layover so my family and I were not too concerned about the 2 hours of customs and security checks before entering the U.S...so about 30 minutes before our plane is scheduled to take off, I decide to go the the gift shop around the corner and leave my family sitting there at the gate. Brandon INSISTED he come along with me and I had no objection at the time, so he came. About 10 feet before the gift shop entrance was an ever-so-tempting turn-style door that led to Baggage Claim and my son headed toward it with the enthusiasm of a coon-ass toward an unattended six-pack of beer. I snapped at him with my motherly reflex "Brandon, dont even think about it, no playing in the turn-style door, stay next to me please." So he obeys and we proceed into the gift shop...his hopes dashed. As I finalize my purchase, I suddenly notice that the "mom can I haves" had ceased and all was quiet. I look around and notice Brandon was not by my side. I walk out of the gift shop to find my son on the other side of the turn-style door, looking at me with eyes welled-up with tears, and he was holding the hand of a butch-looking woman who had more hair on her upper lip than on the top of her head. She calls me through the turn-style door and I go through...without thinking. It was only at this moment that the securtiy gaurd decides to inform me of the fact that once a person has passed through the door, they have left the secured area and must go back through customs and security prior to boarding their flight. Ok...two problems...one..my flight was talking off in less than 20 minutes and two..our passports were in my backpack which was with my family, who were sitting at the gate getting ready to board the plane and had no clue where we were!!! I had to get my passport and the security gaurd could not communicate with the security agent on the other side of the glass due to the fact that HIS English was extremely broken, and her Spanish was rusty at best. So I proceed to knock on the glass trying to get the attention of a fellow American who seemed to find the whole situation amusing from his seat at the gate. But then the security woman finally gives the proper Puerto Rican hand signals which prompt the male security gaurd on the other side of the glass, to go searching for my family. (apparently when you dont speak the same language, hand signals will do...I knew a few choice hand signals that I wanted to use at that point, but in the interest of not starting wars with foreign U.S. territories, I kept my feelings to myself). The male security guard says to me "I find family with passport..what you name?" So I tell him Miller and he disappears for what feels like an eternity. Finally my sister comes around the corner with our passports and we proceed to force them through the small gap between the glass. And I run, Brandon in tow, down the escaltor, through baggage claim, out the door, around the exterior frame of the airport, to the arrival section, through the entry, past the check-in counters to security. I'm practically hyperventilating and trying to tell the customs officer that I have nothing to declare. Long story short...as I boarded my flight only a couple of minutes before take-off, I took the opportunity to lecture Brandon. And when I asked "Have you leaqrned anything from this Brandon?" He replied "Yes ma'am. If you dont listen to your mom, you could be left in a foreign country and have to become a citizen of Puerto Rico forever." And my father, who at this point was laughing at my expense, decides to add his two cents by saying "Yeah Brandon, you were about two minutes away from having to eat nuthin but goats and chickens for the rest of your life."