You Betta Check Yo-Self!

Ahhh the conveniences of the modern age…how did we ever do without? God knew better than to create me during the 18th century. I’m a modern girl and I EMBRACE anything that makes my life easier and saves time during menial daily chores…well, almost anything.

Take, for instance, the self-checkout line…a dream come true for the impatient shopper right? More like a NIGHTMARE! Yes…apparently I am self-checkout impaired. What can I say? It just wasn’t my calling to excel in the checkout line. Had you asked the 8 year old me I would have whole-heartedly agreed that I was the checkout QUEEN…no wait…checkout PRINCESS (because the princess is ALWAYS more beautiful than the queen…Disney taught me that).

One of my favorite toys of all time was our cash register that had the three color coins and a cash drawer that dinged when it opened to provide the change. Oh how I loved the sound of that bell! It was the indication of sweet reward at the end of a transaction. It spawned a chemical reaction in my brain sending me to heights of anticipation rivaling the result of Pavlov’s dog experiment. Alysson and I would fight daily over who was the glamorous cashier and who was the lowly grocery shopper. I always won the role of cashier…it was my right as the oldest. Surely with all that checkout experience this new technology would be like putty in my hands…a world of convenience at my fingertips!

My arms were full of “quick trip” items and I was juggling to keep them from falling to the ground. “Who needs a basket, “I thought, “It’s really only a couple of items.” I approached the checkout area only to be greeted with line after line of people who apparently had all day to grocery shop with their coupons, their price checks on aisle three and their cell phone conversations. But wait…what was that in the distance? An oasis of time-saving technology, apparently known as the “Self-Checkout Lane”! Jiminy Cricket, THIS was for ME! And there was no one in line! It was like winning the lottery! Probably everyone else was too intimidated by change or technology or anything good for them. That’s okay…I’ll show them how it’s done!

Step-by-step instructions for use of the machine? No thank you, I got this!

SCO: Welcome! Please scan the first item.

Me: Well don’t mind if I do.

SCO: (after I scanned the first item and placed it in the plastic bag) Please scan the first item

Me: Wha? I already did.

So I removed the item from the bag, and proceeded to scan it again, because obviously my scanning skills were too ninja quick for this machine to process.

SCO: Please return item to the bagging area.

Me: Well make up your mind lady! Do you want me to scan it or return the item to the bag?

SCO: Please return item to the bagging area!

Me: OKAAAAY! No need to yell. Jeez!

SCO: Please return item to the bagging area!

Me: I already did! Can’t you see it there?!

SCO: Error…please wait for assistance. Error….

Just then I looked up, only to find a red light similar to those found on the rooftop of an AMBULANCE flashing as the machine repeated “Error…please wait for assistance…” Yes folks…for your red light special entertainment of the day we have Abby, the cashiering FAILURE. Was I being arrested for removing my item from the bagging area? This machine totally thought I was stealing the item I know it! She was out to frame me for this and I was NOT going down without a fight! I started frantically pushing the cancel button, then scanning another item. But that didn’t work so I tried putting all my items in the bag. Maybe if I gave her more stuff she would be satisfied…maybe not.

The old lady in line behind me rolled her eyes and moved to the next lane. Apparently I was holding her up from more important things. It took the store manager an eternity to get over to my station and turn off the alarms, reset the machine, and then “self-checkout” my five items for me as I watched. Then, par for course, my cash was not of acceptable quality to be received as payment by the machine, so I had to follow the manager to an open register where she accepted my payment.

All in all I’m pretty sure I would have saved time by waiting in line and letting a professional handle my purchase. Also, I’m pretty sure self-checkouts are of the devil!

MAID OF disHONOR

My sister Alysson is FINALLY getting married this weekend, and I was forced asked to participate in the ceremony as her bridesmaid, along with our other sister Annie. It’s really a no-brainer. I mean, of COURSE I’ll be there to support my favorite sister on her special day as she freaks out and murders everyone in a bridezilla rampage joins in matrimony with that poor sucker the love of her life, Miah.

The bride was blissfully unaware that her bridesmaids
had already abandoned her for a sale on designer shoes.

So last night, the bride and I were discussing last minute details for this weekend…on speakerphone so her fiance’ was included in the conversation:

Me: Okay, so things are falling into place now. Annie went yesterday and got her tan and I have an appointment to get my nails done on Tuesday. Did you confirm our appointments with the hair stylist for Friday? I’m a little worried about Annie’s bridesmaid dress fitting properly, but just in case, I’m packing a necessities bag to bring to New Orleans this weekend. You know, important things we may need like bobby pins in case Annie or I need them for our hair, safety pins in case our dresses malfunction, duct tape…well, we won’t talk about what the duct tape is for...

Bride: WAIT! What exactly are you packing for ME? Helloo! You’re supposed to be making sure that I’m taken care of the day of my wedding. Thank goodness I have a new sister-in-law, my only sister who actually CARES about what MY needs are.

Me: Oh! Well, I guess we just assumed you had it all together on your end. We all know Annie can be a hot mess sometimes. Hahaha

Bride: I’m gonna need snacks, drinks, a fan, all kinds of things and I’m going to count on you guys to make sure I’m eating and getting enough water and not sweating too much and that kind of stuff.

Me: Well then what kind of snacks do I need to pack for you? Don’t you like those chewy chips ahoy cookies?

Bride: No

Me: the crunchy ones?

Bride: No. I want Oreos, I like Oreos. And anything with peanut butter or chocolate would be good.

Me: Oreos? Um…no, they will turn your teeth black on your wedding day. I’m banning the Oreos. See? I got yo back gurl!

Bride: Then just get the blonde ones.

Me: Ooooooooh the GOLDEN Oreos. I really like those! They are soooo yummy!

Groom a/k/a Peanut Gallery: Great, now she’s gonna eat all your Oreos, too.

FAIL. Okay, so I’m not the best bridesmaid in the world. Realistically, we were BOUND to find SOMETHING I couldn’t do perfectly right? And hey, at least I’m not the worst! I’m pretty sure my other sister will prove to be the worst.

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words...Some Should Be Left Unspoken

As far as random hobbies go, photography is my first love.  I try my best to use my camera to share the emotion of every moment.  Those who are photogs themselves are aware that sometimes this emotion is staged...and a LOT of the time, the beauty in the picture could NEVER SPEAK of the reality of the moment during the shoot.

The "behind the scenes" moments, are what keep me from venturing into photography as a full time career.  It's not all kittens and roses here people!  Let's take a look back at some of my more memorable shoots...well, memorable for ME at least...



Ahhh the love between a mother and her first born child...you would never know that while taking this photo, I backed my left foot straight into a soft cow patty.  The field we were in was littered with them.  It was a sea of landmines, and since my eyes were fixed through the lens, I didn't stand a chance.

I know what you're thinking...my parents, exiting the wedding ceremony...all aglow with happiness surrounding my youngest sisters nuptials...no, sorry...they were laughing because my dad forgot his suspenders and the trousers of his rented tux were falling to his knees as he walked in front of over a hundred guests.  You can see him holding them up.

Happy baby all smiles for his mommy??? NOT, immediately after the shutter captured this moment, the poor unstable infant fell over like newly harvested timber.  He hadn't quite mastered sitting up alone for more than a split second, and we all spent the next few moments regaining composure.

Oh how we all love to gaze upon the fresh and dewey blushing bride.  You couldn't even IMAGINE that right before this photo she was yelling for someone to get her some paper towels so she could wipe the sweat from her armpits.  Ya gotta love this girl! lol

"I don't WANT to be a princess!"  she screamed through her tears as countless bridesmaids attempted to get her on her feet and smiling for the camera.



So calm, peaceful, passionate...I was hardly feeling it at the time as I was standing in the middle of the street, dodging oncoming traffic.  I risked my LIFE for this shot people!  Well, not really, but I sure did annoy some Sunday drivers.

Children of the corn?  Well, that's not what I was going for in this photo, but I was tripping and falling over newly harvested corn cobs and broken stalks...not to mention the looming fear of critters of the corn.

Such a sweet family moment....immediately followed by me knocking over a couple of decorative items with my behind, bruising my shin on the corner of the chest of drawers and tripping over the dog on the way out of the room.

 

Thanks to all my friends and family for opening your cherished moments to me, so that I can grow as a photographer...and learn where not to step in a corn field or cow pasture.

Laughter is the Best Medicine, Just make sure you identify the pill before you swallow it

For real! All of the following ACTUALLY occurred within the last 5 days. At least I’m well practiced in laughing at myself.

Top TEN Reasons I need another VACATION!

10) Passed up my own driveway and pulled into the neighbor’s garage before realizing I was at the wrong house.

9) Pulled too hard when opening a mini bag of pretzels and ended up with salt in my hair…and pretzels in my bra.

8) Was in my car in the bank parking lot talking on my cell phone to my friend Marci and (after dumping my whole purse out on the floor board) I was like, “Awe maaaaan! I must have left my cell at the office. Now I have to go allllll the way back just to get it. Ugh!” and she was all, “Aren’t we talking on your cell phone now?”

7) Was sore from a hard core workout with my trainer and went to sit on the toilet. Misjudged the height, sore muscles gave out, my butt was on the floor, hair clip was in the toilet. I just left it there.

6) Was leaving a house warming party and took off my shoes to walk through the muddy yard on my way to my car. Stepped to the left to avoid a mud puddle, sunk my foot into some poo instead. They don’t have any pets! I don’t even wanna think about whose poo it was.

5) Was leaving a voicemail for a friend and left the wrong name. Luckily she recognized my voice and called me back to pick on me for not remembering my own name.

4) Was on my cell phone with the pizza place ordering dinner while frantically looking through my purse for my “lost” cell phone (yes, I DID do this twice in one week. Don’t judge people!)

3) Was going through the normal morning routine, went to take my vitamin and dropped it on the floor. I picked it up (because the 5 second rule applies for vitamins too), dusted it off and swallowed it. Later, while getting ready for bed, I found my vitamin on the floor. So what in the WORLD did I swallow?!?!

2) Was posting a top ten list...copy and paste is obviously too complicated for me right now so I duplicated one of the list items and now I'm correcting it...anyhoo item number two SHOULD have read as follows:  Poured muscle milk in my coffee instead of half and half...drank it anyway.

1) I was reading an article online about Sasquatch Festival, when all of a sudden office phone rang, and instead of the normal greeting, I read aloud, “Sasquatch Sweepstakes” OMG “I mean Tudor Law Office, can I help you?” *thankfully I knew the person on the line and after a good laugh, we just discussed why we should go to the Sasquatch Fest next time around. Just sayin’

Haha Check out the kid covering her ears in fear
while her parents are all, "Sasquatch Rocks Man!!"

BTW...Just so you know, I totally got confused at least 3 times doing this top ten because I kept forgetting the numbers were SUPPOSED to be counting DOWN and I was correcting them line by line.

My street cred is dead ya'll

So every Wednesday night, I serve at my church as a youth leader for our Deeper Youth (the high school and college age kids). We have our own worship and church service independent of the adult service that night of the week in the family life center. As usual, the teens file into the gym before service in small clicks and make their way to their preferred places, and I made my way into the gym this evening for supervising and socializing with the teens. My son, of course, was in the auditorium dominating the ping pong tables. I try to give him as much space as possible when he’s with friends…a luxury I apparently deny the teens of other parents.


So I’m standing there, having little conversations with groups of girls giggling on the sidelines as the athletes of the crowd parade around the basketball court doing their best to mimic the NBA All Stars in a half-court game and catch the eye of female onlookers. And the longer I stood there, the more impressed I became with the skills of some of these boys. They were pretty good. I watched them spin, dunk, fake out their opponent, shoot from half court…nuthin’ but net, baby! Immediately I had my favorites…and then…and then…there he was…the underdog…a little tiny thing, who hadn’t yet hit his growth spurt. He was at least 2 feet shorter than all of the other players, but the kid was a great ball player. He faked to the left…faked to the right…they were all over him…he lost his balance, and in mid fall he shoots…swish.

I jumped to my feet like a proud mama at the ballpark. “Great shot! Woohoo! You rock!” Clapping my hands wildly, grinning ear to ear…and then time stopped, or so it seemed. Silence filled the room. The basketball bounced un-rebounded into the corner. It was then that I noticed all eyes were on me…the crazy mom. Who was she and why was she cheering like a banshee on parade? They all had that look, you know, that “What’chu talkin’ bout Willis?” look. (Although THEY wouldn't know that either because they weren't BORN yet when that show was out)

I sat down quietly…playin’ like nothing just happened. But definitely sure that I just lost some cool points. I probably lost cool points for thinking about it in terms of cool points. I don’t guess they do cool points anymore. Is it street cred, or is that over, too?

Apparently there is an age where composure is cool…not fanatical whimsy. Oh well, they’re just gonna have to get over it and deal with this oddity that is me.

Kickin' It Old Skool

I’ve always been enthusiastic about all kinds of music spanning the genres and styles as they evolve over the decades, a self-proclaimed music aficionado if you will. But in recent years my car radio stays primarily on KLOVE because the music lifts my soul and prevents daily bouts of road rage between destinations. But that local station broadcast has been on the blink lately, so I made a temporary switch to a popular “hits” station to fill the musical void.
 
Um…have I really been out of it that long? Who ARE these people? And why do all of the songs sound the same? It’s like I’m trapped in some Jersey Shore beach club that plays house techno on a never-ending loop until I vomit or pass out from the monotony. Don’t get me wrong, I can appreciate a good beat and some synthesizers (I AM a product of the 80’s music generation after all, yo!) But puhleeeeeze! What ever happened to variety, authenticity, that one-of-a-kind talent that could be mistaken for none other?

And then this morning I was listing to my regular morning news broadcast while I got dressed for work, and the featured summer concert performer being announced was so HUGE in the current market that there were at least 10 blocks of revelers packed like sardines and screaming like frightened girls waiting for his show to begin. They announced his name over and over again, and I had NO CLUE who he was.

So I walk into the living room where a friend of mine, Laura, was sipping her coffee (she’s visiting from out of town), and I was like, “Laura, there is some guy performing on the morning show who is MAJOR popular right now apparently and I don’t know who he IS! Am I THAT behind the times?” And Laura’s like, “Who is it?” And I’m all, “Some guy named Bulldog who is performing with Neyo.” (Yes…I DID actually know who Neyo was…sort of) And she’s all, “Uh, I think you mean Pitbull, not bulldog.”  So I’m like, “Yeah, that’s it, Pitbull. But what’s the deal with all these “hot” artists who basically just talk into a microphone with house music beats playing in the background? What ever happened to REAL musicians who had REAL talent?  Artists who could play 4 or 5 instruments and melt your heart with their voice? Where are the Santanas, the Eric Claptons, the Jewels?!”  

And then I stopped myself…I think I just became one of THOSE people…my parents. I was staking my claim in “oldies” land by repeating, in not so many words, the same things my parents would say about MY music. “Boy rock-n-roll sure isn’t what it used to be.” or, “When I was young, people actually had talent, they used their music to inspire, not just bop around in weird costumes.”
It’s okay…I’ll come to terms with it soon. And then I’ll just sit back and enjoy kickin’ it “Old Skool” cuz it is what it is, right?

Newer skool than me

I found this link to a sample from a popular 69 year old DJ named Mamy Rock (shown in photo above). DJ MaMyRock 


This lady is way more hip to the times than I am.

T.G.I.F!

Nonsense thoughts that have gone through my head before 10am this morning…


-I constantly write run-on sentences. I was regularly corrected for it in school as a child. Maybe that’s why I like lists so much…because you can put as many fragmented thoughts together as possible without creating a run-on sentence.

-I wonder what was the longest sentence ever written (I Googled it by the way, over 35,000 words!!!) I want to read this sentence.

-I don't think I've ever met a person who declared brown to be their favorite color.

-Indiana Jones…definitely the man

-I can’t remember if Whitney Houston and Kevin Costner ever really dated, or if it’s just my memory of that movie they did together screwing with me.

-The Mona Lisa creeps me out. I think it’s because she has no eyebrows. Never trust people without eyebrows.  Maybe that’s why there are different schools of thought on her mood in the painting. I say let’s paint on some eyebrows and knock out two problems with one solution.

Mona Lisa Makeover!

It’s definitely Friday people!

Doomsday Dumplings!

With all the news lately being centered around tsunamis, tornadoes, flooding devastation, economic collapse, sasquatch sightings and the world ending a few weeks ago, I thought I may entertain this idea by examining just how prepared my household would be for such an event. Don’t get me wrong…I actually don’t believe I need to prepare anything other than my soul for when my Savior comes, but for the fun of it…let’s explore this question carefully…Is my pantry prepared for an apocalypse, world-wide catastrophe, or alien invasion? What does one store to sustain themselves and their family for the years following an “earth-shattering” event?

I began with a brief inventory of my pantry. For those of you who know me well…I pretty much am a minimalist in the grocery department, and am therefore doubtful that our survival would be guaranteed with the supply I currently maintain: ½ jar of peanut butter, one unpopped bag of Orville Redenbacher’s kettle corn, ½ box of stale Honey Bunches of Oats cereal , 2 slices of wheat bread (the heels…we don’t like them so we just let them rot before throwing them out) and a sweet potato with roots growing in 4 different directions. My first thought…”I wonder if it’s too late to start a sweet potato garden with that thing.” My second thought…”Who am I kidding, I’ve managed to kill every plant I’ve ever cared for, including a cactus. It would be best to let the potato die an honorable death in the pantry.” Needless to say, I was lacking proper supply, and so I began a list of things I would probably want to have in case of emergency: (In case you haven’t noticed from reading my blog…I L-O-V-E lists!)

1. Peanut butter – it’s protein, it’s sweet, and you can spread it on anything!

2. Bisquick – umm HELLOOO!! You can make all KINDS of things from Bisquick like biscuits, dumplings, and PANCAKES!!! (Hopefully the disaster will have destroyed all of the weevils so they do not invade my Bisquick supply)

3. Vienna Sausage – this will be my treat for Brandon…he LOVES those things and I won’t buy them because of how bad they are for you. But in this case, I’ve decided to make an exception. I could potentially use them to bribe him into building on additions to our shelter or growing me a post-apocalyptic sweet potato garden.

4. Tony Cachere’s creole seasoning- it makes everything taste a little better. Besides, just because we are in survival mode does not mean we cannot enjoy a meal every now and then right?

I think that’s it. Don’t judge! I know it’s not much, but I think my bartering skills will get me pretty far. Think about it. If it were the rapture, I would be gone to take my place in heaven, having left a nice little supply for those suffering the end of days. If I’m attacked by aliens or angry terrorists, I could slow their attack by throwing Tony’s in their eyes. In the case of economic collapse, I could develop some form of Vienna sausage currency with which to buy other items. Fresh pancakes every morning would help me maintain my current figure, not to mention the fact that they would adequately appease the sasquatch appetite and keep him from trying to eat me. We could come up with games to play on my elliptical machine (because let’s face it, I couldn’t be so lucky as to have workout equipment destroyed in the end). And surely peanut butter could protect my skin from exposure to radiation!

Feeling good now! My plan is in place! Anybody up for some Doomsday Dumplings?