The Dangling Chad of Vending

Yesterday was a long day at work, extended an extra couple of hours beyond the normal 5pm by a real estate closing. I decided to keep a positive attitude about the whole working-late-to-accommodate-clients thing, and treat myself to the yummy goodness that can only be found in a bag of Peanut M&Ms.

I climbed 2 flights of stairs to the vending machine instead of taking the elevator, in order to justify the extra calories.  But let’s face it, I really didn’t need to do this because we ALL know that Peanut M&Ms are a solid source of protein, and that makes them health food. BONUS!

85 cents for a bag of M&Ms?!?! OMG since WHEN are M&Ms a high priced commodity? I remember when you could get a bag of M&Ms for…oh wait, we just won’t go there. I fork up the dough and put in the code and then WHAT?! So disappointed…I was trapped in some parallel universe where my every happiness for the next 2 hours was driven by the outcome of a scandal equivalent to a “dangling chad” of vending!

Isn't it amazing how even the most non-violent of people can so quickly become the incredible hulk against an inanimate object witholding sweet treasures? Why?  Why?!

 So I did what any other rational human being would do. I Googled for an answer to my problem. Needless to say, the answer was less than desirable. And yes, there were many articles offering advise on how to properly dislodge candy from a  rigged rebellious machine.   I thought I was gonna get some kind of insider information like secret codes to punch in, or the location of a hidden rest button that would refund my money.  I was left slightly disappointed with the advise that I found.  You can read one here ~ How to Free a Stuck Item from a Vending Machine

Oh REALLY? You mean if I pay an extra 85 cents and purchase ANOTHER bag of M&Ms it will inevitably push out the first one? Well why didn’t I think of that? Oh what’s that you say? It may NOT work? So another viable option would be to find someone with a key to the vending machine for assistance? Really? What a revelation!

Despite my sarcastic mutterings in response to the advise-for-people-with-no-common-sense-whatsoever, I chose to follow that advise, and I purchased a second bag of candy. Today as I snack on these unwanted M&Ms, I cannot help but be left with a somewhat bittersweet taste in my mouth. No, not because of the combination of chocolate coated by a candy shell encompassing a rotten peanut, but because I did not choose this second bag of M&Ms…it chose me. And I can’t help but question its motive.

Say My Name, Say My Name

Okay, so I will begin by sharing this article from my local newspaper several weeks ago…Don’t worry, it’s short, sweet, and sure to draw a giggle or two.

“What's in a name? That very question made for an interesting segment on CNN on a recent Saturday morning titled, "What not to name your kids." I came across it skimming through Facebook while eating my breakfast.

The thread was about the segment, which I had just missed. I started reading the thread and some of the names that people actually put on their children and I could not stop laughing.

Some of them were just downright unbelievable. Two of them, although pronounced differently, are unprintable. (Hint: One starts with an "s," pronounced "shyteed"; the other starts with an "a," pronounced "a-sho-lay." Draw your own conclusions.)

There were names listed like Congratulashayla, Peppermint Koolaid, Crucifixio, Timber Rattler, Infiniti Alize, Chlamydia, Syphillis (pronounced Sah-phill-is) and Gonorheaa (pronounced Ga-nor-ia) (twins, and yes, the STDs), Cocaine and Marijuana (twins), ABCED (pronounced Absidee), Heaven Lee Roach, Swiss, Cheddar, Velveeta, Phurious (Furious), Nimrod, Lucifer, Porntip, Pimptarius, Ureal Lucky, Courvoisier, Vagina (pronounced Va-Gina), Clitours, Demon, Darealyst, Metallica, Shadynasty (pronounced Sha-Die-ness-tee), Myown, Earth Angel (a male), Female (pronounced Fem-molle), Violence, Militant, Tellis Zeelotus, Redd Ball, Left and Wright (twins), Man and Woman (brother and sister), Crown, Tequila, Pink Brown (a male), Zucchini, Tia-Jauna, Pepsi Nicola, Thunder Shadow, Nike Da'Pimp and Fila Da'Playa (brother and sister) and Candy Barr.

I know people want to give their children unique names, but there should be a point where common sense needs to really take hold.

Your children are stuck with these names until they are old enough to change them, if they so desire. Some of these children are going to have a rough enough life, why make it even harder?

Yeah, that name may be cute on a baby, but remember, that child does grow up. Just remember this comment one of my co-workers told me, that a friend told her: "You're not naming a child; you are naming an adult."

And in case some of you are wondering, the simple, classic names do still abide. Here are the top 10 baby names for 2010 from the Social Security Administration website: Girls, in order of ranking: Isabella, Sophia, Emma, Olivia, Ava, Emily, Abigail, Madison, Chloe and Mia. Boys, also in order of ranking: Jacob, Ethan, Michael, Jayden, William, Alexander, Noah, Daniel, Aiden and Anthony.

What's in a name? Depends on who named you. ---LeCrete Robinson is features editor of The Town Talk and www.thetowntalk.com.”

You may also see the full article here ~~> What's in a name? For some, it's 'what were they thinking?
Oh lord how I love this article! People! A name can make or break a person’s level of success in life. Don’t believe me? Just think about it a minute. Could you REALISTICALLY imagine the first female President of the United States having a name like Pepsi Nicola? Congratulashayla mom, you have just ruined your kid’s social life right from the start. And well done mom on the name Shadynasty (sha DIE nuh stee) it’s just so…well…ummm…shady nasty.

My Bank Is Conspiring Against Me

I needed to make a bank deposit this morning after running carpool. Having just rolled out of bed and walking out the door in my pjs with bed head and sleep still clinging to the corners of my eyes, I was not dressed appropriately for public viewing. I thought, No biggie…I’ll just go through the drive-thru.

Apparently my bank has a new “watch dog” of sorts. A GIANT locust was waiting for me near the receptacle. He was probably the leader of the locust plague in the bible. He sat there guarding the drive-thru receptacle…staring me down…inviting me to make my next move. What I saw was this:

I risked life and limb to get this photo.  You SEE?!  He's bigger than that lady's head in the car next to me!

What I pictured in my mind was more like this:

Clearly I needed to use proper caution

Where AM I?! Is this thing LOST or something? Why is it sitting there taunting me…laughing at my fear? I tried honking my horn to scare it away. He didn’t even flinch! Oh yeah…he was a professional alright. It was time to bring out the big guns…my loose change. I cracked my car window juuust a tad and began hurling pennies at the beast. (Just so you know, it’s pretty hard to properly aim your pennies through a one inch crack in the window when the lady in the black car next to me is giving me dirty looks.) So distracting!  I wasn't throwing the coins at HER!

Needless to say my deposit was not made this morning. Maybe my banker is jealous of all that moola I keep depositing into my account, or maybe it’s just all a part of a larger conspiracy.

Tough Guys Don't Cry...They Grunt

I'd like to discuss briefly this little nugget I stumbled upon in my Facebook news feed yesterday.  The names have been censored to protect the manlihood of those involved...

I'd like you all to pay particular attention to the two bottom responses offered by Dan's fellow bros.  Thank you, old high school buddies, for proving what I always knew...that guys like to sit around talking about their feelings, too.  It's just so...touching. *grunt*

P.S. Tom you rock!

Stupid is as stupid does

Let me take a moment to introduce you to Maggie “Doodlebug” Miller.  The photo here pretty much sums up our little simpleton…so cuddly, so sweet, and oh so very DUMB.  This was her response to the “SIT” command.

Sit Maggie

We first learned of her condition a couple of weeks after we adopted her.  Concerned about a guttural hacking noise she kept making, I brought her to be examined for what I suspected was some sort of respiratory infection.  After careful observation and testing, the vet was like, “Maggie here is perfectly healthy.”  And I’m like “But what about the horrible hacking noise?” And, as if on cue, Maggie takes a few steps, trips over her own foot and let’s out that sound.
 
Me: “See?! That’s the sound!”

Doc: “Well that’s just a bark.”

Me: “A bark…really?  It sounds more like she's chaneling the spirit of a toad with laryngitis.”

Doc: “It seems as though Maggie has what is called an abbreviated mental capacity.”

Me: “Are you saying my dog is retarded?”
Doc: “Basically.”

Me: “And that affects her bark.”

Doc: “You’ll probably find many idiosyncrasies as she develops.  But as far as her health goes, she’s good to go.”

Great.  Just what I needed. The Forrest Gump of cocker spaniels.

So I present to you the list of “idiosyncrasies” revealed:

-at adult growth, she is 20 lbs dwarfed from her normal breed size

-one ear is half the size of the other, this is typically disguised by her long hair, but sometimes we ask for a summer cut at the groomers, and she pretty much just walks around looking like her head is cocked to the side all the time.

-sudden energy bursts cause her to run wildly back and forth across the yard, sometimes colliding with the columns on the back porch

-she usually barks ferociously at her reflection in the glass door as she walks by

-one time she charged at her reflection and became so frightened by the display that she avoided that room for the rest of the day

-she humps our other dog, Mojo, when she wants to play because to her it is a form of wrestling

-she runs through the dog door at full speed and sometimes misses the hole

-when she hears Mojo alerting with his bark, she mimics the barking, but instead of focusing on the cause of his barks, she swings her head in a Stevie Wonder-like motion while staring off into space

-she pees herself a little every time someone with a baritone voice greets her

"Ooof!"

Over the years we have adapted to our doodlebug.  Her antics warm our hearts, but the grunt-barks are still so annoying.

T.G.I.F!

Nonsense thoughts that have gone through my head before 10am this morning…


-I constantly write run-on sentences. I was regularly corrected for it in school as a child. Maybe that’s why I like lists so much…because you can put as many fragmented thoughts together as possible without creating a run-on sentence.

-I wonder what was the longest sentence ever written (I Googled it by the way, over 35,000 words!!!) I want to read this sentence.

-I don't think I've ever met a person who declared brown to be their favorite color.

-Indiana Jones…definitely the man

-I can’t remember if Whitney Houston and Kevin Costner ever really dated, or if it’s just my memory of that movie they did together screwing with me.

-The Mona Lisa creeps me out. I think it’s because she has no eyebrows. Never trust people without eyebrows.  Maybe that’s why there are different schools of thought on her mood in the painting. I say let’s paint on some eyebrows and knock out two problems with one solution.

Mona Lisa Makeover!

It’s definitely Friday people!

Doomsday Dumplings!

With all the news lately being centered around tsunamis, tornadoes, flooding devastation, economic collapse, sasquatch sightings and the world ending a few weeks ago, I thought I may entertain this idea by examining just how prepared my household would be for such an event. Don’t get me wrong…I actually don’t believe I need to prepare anything other than my soul for when my Savior comes, but for the fun of it…let’s explore this question carefully…Is my pantry prepared for an apocalypse, world-wide catastrophe, or alien invasion? What does one store to sustain themselves and their family for the years following an “earth-shattering” event?

I began with a brief inventory of my pantry. For those of you who know me well…I pretty much am a minimalist in the grocery department, and am therefore doubtful that our survival would be guaranteed with the supply I currently maintain: ½ jar of peanut butter, one unpopped bag of Orville Redenbacher’s kettle corn, ½ box of stale Honey Bunches of Oats cereal , 2 slices of wheat bread (the heels…we don’t like them so we just let them rot before throwing them out) and a sweet potato with roots growing in 4 different directions. My first thought…”I wonder if it’s too late to start a sweet potato garden with that thing.” My second thought…”Who am I kidding, I’ve managed to kill every plant I’ve ever cared for, including a cactus. It would be best to let the potato die an honorable death in the pantry.” Needless to say, I was lacking proper supply, and so I began a list of things I would probably want to have in case of emergency: (In case you haven’t noticed from reading my blog…I L-O-V-E lists!)

1. Peanut butter – it’s protein, it’s sweet, and you can spread it on anything!

2. Bisquick – umm HELLOOO!! You can make all KINDS of things from Bisquick like biscuits, dumplings, and PANCAKES!!! (Hopefully the disaster will have destroyed all of the weevils so they do not invade my Bisquick supply)

3. Vienna Sausage – this will be my treat for Brandon…he LOVES those things and I won’t buy them because of how bad they are for you. But in this case, I’ve decided to make an exception. I could potentially use them to bribe him into building on additions to our shelter or growing me a post-apocalyptic sweet potato garden.

4. Tony Cachere’s creole seasoning- it makes everything taste a little better. Besides, just because we are in survival mode does not mean we cannot enjoy a meal every now and then right?

I think that’s it. Don’t judge! I know it’s not much, but I think my bartering skills will get me pretty far. Think about it. If it were the rapture, I would be gone to take my place in heaven, having left a nice little supply for those suffering the end of days. If I’m attacked by aliens or angry terrorists, I could slow their attack by throwing Tony’s in their eyes. In the case of economic collapse, I could develop some form of Vienna sausage currency with which to buy other items. Fresh pancakes every morning would help me maintain my current figure, not to mention the fact that they would adequately appease the sasquatch appetite and keep him from trying to eat me. We could come up with games to play on my elliptical machine (because let’s face it, I couldn’t be so lucky as to have workout equipment destroyed in the end). And surely peanut butter could protect my skin from exposure to radiation!

Feeling good now! My plan is in place! Anybody up for some Doomsday Dumplings?

Goodbye My Love...

A stick of beef jerky, two tangerines, 5 triscuits, 3 Hershey's kisses, a banana, a small order of onion rings and a stick of gum. This is what I've eaten today and it's ONLY 2:00 in the afternoon!!!

Well...it has begun. My journey to being free from the bondage of my nicotine habit. I have to admit, I did not chose to end it voluntarily...it was forced upon me by the Democrats. haha No habit is worth $200 per month to feed.In a way, it's kind of sad. One of the longest relationships and\or commitments I've ever made was the one I had with my Marlboro Man. He's seen me through high school graduation, college, marriage, divorce, move after move, job after job, heartache after heartache, and in good times and bad.

I SHOULD point out, however that there IS one relationship I have been in longer, (although more sparatically) my relationship with God. I've been relying upon him alot these last couple of days, and it's really not as bad as I thought it would be.So...dear friends...say a prayer for me every now and then. That I dont waiver in my commitment to leave the Marlboro Man. And..if you would be so kind...pray that I dont gain weight in the process. That would be too depressing. haha

Thanks for listening!

Guess What I'M Getting for Christmas!!!

My very own GIFT WRAPPING ROOM!!!! Just like the one in the attached picture. My daddy says he will build me the table and the gift wrapping racks and I am going to convert one of the upstairs bedrooms into my dream room!!!! I am sooooo excited. The room already has a skylight so there is plenty of natural lighting in place. I'm thinking I'll paint the walls a citrus green instead of the red though. and I want to get one of the miner's lamp style light fixture. I told daddy I needed it before December 1st, so I could wrap all my presents haha. I'm open for suggestions if any of my extremely creative friends have any input! Will you come wrap gifts with me?