The Honeymoon Is OVER!

Okay, so a few posts back I introduced that adorable little fur ball of fun, Benny. Everything about this new member of our family is charming...irresistably darling. We have forgiven him for chewing on our toes, leaving puppy chow crumbs on the floor, or leaving a puddle behind for us to step in…all at the bat of those big brown eyes. But yesterday…oh yesterday…Benny just went a little too far…

Check out my pretty new “We’re not in Kansas anymore, Toto” shoes. Don’t you just L-O-V-E them? Well I do! I got them last week. I woke with anticipation to wear them for the first time yesterday. I carefully selected an outfit to pair with my new shoes because, well, you KNOW that it’s ALL about getting a great pair of shoes and then putting an entire outfit together to compliment them. I get dressed and pull out the pièce de résistance…and that’s when I lost it.

“BENNNNYYYYYYYY you ROTTEN little ball of TERROR!!!!!! Where is he?!?! I’m going to BEAT him with my new shoe!!” He slowly rounds the corner into the hallway and we meet face-to-face, like a stand-off in the old country westerns. He, with his rotten cuteness and I with my damaged Gianni Bini red patent leather mary jane pump. SOMEONE was not going to make it out alive…SOMEONE with four stubby little legs and a bark that mimics a squeaky toy. He took his first shot… cocked his little floppy ears up, tilted his head to the side and gazed at me with the innocence of a newborn child. I was determined not to waiver. I marched toward him with the shoe in my hand, prepared to teach him a proper lesson, and then…he lost his balance and fell over like a little piece of freshly chopped timber.

My heart welled up and I began to giggle, which only made him roll over on his back and shoot those eyes at me from the upside-down cute angle. I was defeated. He had won. How could I stay mad at this little guy? Lesson learned. I can’t compete with that action. He owns me, and I should have known better than to leave my closet door ajar. Well played Benny Bop…well played.

You Betta Check Yo-Self!

Ahhh the conveniences of the modern age…how did we ever do without? God knew better than to create me during the 18th century. I’m a modern girl and I EMBRACE anything that makes my life easier and saves time during menial daily chores…well, almost anything.

Take, for instance, the self-checkout line…a dream come true for the impatient shopper right? More like a NIGHTMARE! Yes…apparently I am self-checkout impaired. What can I say? It just wasn’t my calling to excel in the checkout line. Had you asked the 8 year old me I would have whole-heartedly agreed that I was the checkout QUEEN…no wait…checkout PRINCESS (because the princess is ALWAYS more beautiful than the queen…Disney taught me that).

One of my favorite toys of all time was our cash register that had the three color coins and a cash drawer that dinged when it opened to provide the change. Oh how I loved the sound of that bell! It was the indication of sweet reward at the end of a transaction. It spawned a chemical reaction in my brain sending me to heights of anticipation rivaling the result of Pavlov’s dog experiment. Alysson and I would fight daily over who was the glamorous cashier and who was the lowly grocery shopper. I always won the role of cashier…it was my right as the oldest. Surely with all that checkout experience this new technology would be like putty in my hands…a world of convenience at my fingertips!

My arms were full of “quick trip” items and I was juggling to keep them from falling to the ground. “Who needs a basket, “I thought, “It’s really only a couple of items.” I approached the checkout area only to be greeted with line after line of people who apparently had all day to grocery shop with their coupons, their price checks on aisle three and their cell phone conversations. But wait…what was that in the distance? An oasis of time-saving technology, apparently known as the “Self-Checkout Lane”! Jiminy Cricket, THIS was for ME! And there was no one in line! It was like winning the lottery! Probably everyone else was too intimidated by change or technology or anything good for them. That’s okay…I’ll show them how it’s done!

Step-by-step instructions for use of the machine? No thank you, I got this!

SCO: Welcome! Please scan the first item.

Me: Well don’t mind if I do.

SCO: (after I scanned the first item and placed it in the plastic bag) Please scan the first item

Me: Wha? I already did.

So I removed the item from the bag, and proceeded to scan it again, because obviously my scanning skills were too ninja quick for this machine to process.

SCO: Please return item to the bagging area.

Me: Well make up your mind lady! Do you want me to scan it or return the item to the bag?

SCO: Please return item to the bagging area!

Me: OKAAAAY! No need to yell. Jeez!

SCO: Please return item to the bagging area!

Me: I already did! Can’t you see it there?!

SCO: Error…please wait for assistance. Error….

Just then I looked up, only to find a red light similar to those found on the rooftop of an AMBULANCE flashing as the machine repeated “Error…please wait for assistance…” Yes folks…for your red light special entertainment of the day we have Abby, the cashiering FAILURE. Was I being arrested for removing my item from the bagging area? This machine totally thought I was stealing the item I know it! She was out to frame me for this and I was NOT going down without a fight! I started frantically pushing the cancel button, then scanning another item. But that didn’t work so I tried putting all my items in the bag. Maybe if I gave her more stuff she would be satisfied…maybe not.

The old lady in line behind me rolled her eyes and moved to the next lane. Apparently I was holding her up from more important things. It took the store manager an eternity to get over to my station and turn off the alarms, reset the machine, and then “self-checkout” my five items for me as I watched. Then, par for course, my cash was not of acceptable quality to be received as payment by the machine, so I had to follow the manager to an open register where she accepted my payment.

All in all I’m pretty sure I would have saved time by waiting in line and letting a professional handle my purchase. Also, I’m pretty sure self-checkouts are of the devil!

I DO...Everything You Say From Now On

So another family wedding coming up this weekend and my cousin is the beautiful bossy blushing bride. Kidding, she’s far from the bridezilla type, but a little conversation she shared with me today had me questioning it for a moment.
The other day my cousin, the bride, was going over the last minute details of the wedding events for this weekend, and she says to her fiancé, “Okay babe, so Friday you need to meet me at the church to help decorate for the wedding.”

And he was like, “No wait, I already made plans to go hunting on Friday so I won’t be there.”

And she was all, “Well you NEED to be there because I need your help getting everything set up.”

And he was like, “But I talked to my mom about it and she said I didn’t need to be there for that part.”

And she was all, “Oh…okay, but just so you know, once we are married Saturday, I’M the boss of you, NOT your mom. Got it? Love you! Have fun hunting!”

I love this girl…she’s so right…and he can’t say there wasn’t fair warning.

Tough Guys Don't Cry...They Grunt

I'd like to discuss briefly this little nugget I stumbled upon in my Facebook news feed yesterday.  The names have been censored to protect the manlihood of those involved...

I'd like you all to pay particular attention to the two bottom responses offered by Dan's fellow bros.  Thank you, old high school buddies, for proving what I always knew...that guys like to sit around talking about their feelings, too.  It's just so...touching. *grunt*

P.S. Tom you rock!

Little Miss Magoo in her Myopia Utopia

So recently I purchased a new pair of glasses, something I hadn’t bothered with in the last ten years since I primarily wear contacts.  I was chatting with my sister, Alysson, later that day and I was telling her how blind I felt when I could not even see my own face in the mirror 3 feet away without corrective lenses.  Alysson quickly reminded me that she is far worse off than I in that department, being as her prescription is so strong that she is considered legally blind.  Then she reminded me of the “driver’s licensing exam dilemma” which I am more than happy to share with you today.

It was finally Alysson’s turn to get her ticket to freedom by becoming licensed to drive in the State of Louisiana.  Alysson was anxious about her driver’s licensing exam that day and my dad used the drive to the local department of motor vehicles as an opportunity to give her a few pointers.  Dad was like, “The best thing to do is take your eye exam WITHOUT your eye glasses.  That’s what I do.  That way you don’t get any restrictions put on your license.”  (Dad always gets a kick out of “stickin’ it to the man”)

Being the obedient child that she was, my sister who has the sight capacity of Mr. Magoo tucked her glasses away in her purse and walked to the counter for her sight test.  She gazed in the direction of the eye chart and quickly and confidently rattled off the letters.  “oh PEE oh PEE, pee pee oh PEE!” And the DMV lady was all, “Ma’am, its numbers not letters,” so Alysson was like, “Oh okay…zero…” and the DMV lady was all, “Um, no.”  So Alysson was like, “Okay let me just get out my glasses.”  FAIL

Sometimes we see what we WANT to see, not what’s really there.  It’s always better to recognize your weaknesses and take measures to overcome rather than hide them.  One of Alysson’s greatest attributes is her ability to recognize her strengths as well as her weaknesses, and use both to make a difference in the lives of others.

Me No Speaka de Engrish

In my opinion, the following words should pretty much be deleted from English altogether.


My highschool English teacher is probably
rolling over in her grave...if she's dead.

 Top Ten Words That Make Me Throw Up In My Mouth a Little

10. swinged – Yep, this is a word…there has to be a better way people

9. drawer – I feel like I have never actually pronounced this word properly

8. supple - *shiver* It’s supposed to be a positive word, but it just feels creepy rolling off my tongue

7. heinous – the definition of the word pretty much says it all

6. rural – I have to use this word often at work and frankly, it makes me feel as though I have a speech impediment

5. teat – I feel like this is just a nasty word that has not yet been completed

4. goiter – as if the thing it’s describing is not already disgusting enough! We have to give it a name that brings MORE attention to the thing!

3. squat – I really don’t think I need to explain this one…say it out loud…go ahead…just say it

2. puberty – That’s it! Kick ‘em while their down and feeling self-conscious about their pimply-faced, hairy, smelly awkward bodies. Tell them it’s just PUBERTY!

1. MOIST – OMG I HATE this word! I cringe every time someone uses it, especially when it’s used in conjunction with number 8.

Notice I did not include “ain’t” in that list. It is because I am of the strict position that “ain’t” is not a word. No Brandon, I don’t CARE if it has been added to Webster’s Dictionary. I feel that Webster is soft and was probably persuaded by a Texas politician to do so. As for my house…that word is FORBIDDEN!

And on a further note…I’ve noticed lately that some of my peers have shut off the proper English portions of their brains for the summer. Friends? Why am I hearing things coming out of your mouths such as “…here in Looosiana,” and, “Let’s do lunch next Toosdee,”?

And on Facebook?!?! Why are so many of you replacing the word “quiet” with “quite,” or “sense” with “since”?!?!

That just doesn’t make any since.

Only skin deep? I think not.

I was Googling yesterday evening in my attempt to find a vintage summer dress for an upcoming party, and I stumbled upon some links related to Audrey Hepburn. So of course, being as focused as I was at the time, I ran off on a tangent to explore these links and learned of a poem by Sam Levenson which was Hepburn's favorite and which she quoted often. I was so moved, I had to share. Why hadn’t I read this sooner?

Time Tested Beauty Tips

For attractive lips, Speak words of kindness.

For lovely eyes, Seek out the good in people.

For a slim figure, Share your food with the hungry.

For beautiful hair, Let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day.

For poise, Walk with the knowledge you'll never walk alone.

People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; Never throw out anybody.

Remember, If you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm. As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.  The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.

The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole, but true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul.
It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows, and the beauty of a woman with passing years-only grows!

~Sam Levenson

God & Country

As the July 4^th celebration weekend approaches, I am reminded of a time when Brandon was 4 years old and how our conversations in the car opened my eyes to his innocent perspective on life.  I had picked him up from preschool that day and inquired, as usual, about what he had learned in school. His response was, “the pledge of allegiance.”  I glanced into the rearview mirror, only to discover that he was knuckle deep in his nose…digging for gold perhaps, or “pointing to my brain” as he would say (it was a daily struggle between us to break this disgusting habit).  So I was like, “Brandon! Get that finger out of your nose!” and he was like, “How’d YOU know where my finger was?”  I told him that it doesn’t matter whether I can see him or not.  He shouldn’t do things behind my back because God was watching and eventually he would reveal the truth to me.  So Brandon is all, “Well I already KNEW that.  We learned about it at school today.” And I was like, “About what?” and he says, “About how God is EVERYWHERE an you can’t hide from him.”  So I was like, “But I thought you learned the pledge of allegiance today.” And he says, “We DID.  It’s a story about God AND about the country.”  So I was all, “What in the WORLD are you talking about?”

Frustrated with my ignorance, Brandon moaned through a deep sigh and says, “It goes like THIS, mom.”

Brandon: “I pledge allegiance, to da flag, United States of America.  An to da republic, whichistans, one nation, under God, INVISIBLE, wif liberty an justice furall!  See?  He’s everywhere, we jus can’t see him cuz he’s invisible.”

Me: “Well if you knew that, then why were you picking your boogs?”

Brandon: “I didn’t think he would tell on me this time.”

Stamping out ignorance

Nila, my co-worker, recently began researching the assets for a succession our office is working on this week. Occasionally she asks me questions regarding procedures and protocol, but for the most part, she is on her own in the process. The succession is riddled with various stock certificates and life insurance policies from the 1940s which makes the preliminary work all the more difficult. At one point this morning Nila walks into my office with a furrowed brow and photocopy in hand.


Recreation of the inquiry



Nila: "What are these stamps?"

Me: "What do you mean?"

Nila: "When you copied the Cash Sale Deed, what were these stamps copied on the same page?"

Me: "Let me see that…they’re just stamps on the cover page of the deed. Maybe the clerk’s office mailed it somewhere."



Nila: "No, they aren’t NORMAL stamps, their SPECIAL stamps. You think they are collector’s stamps?"

Me: "No way…collector’s stamps? I think someone just mailed something somewhere."

Nila: "You never know. They could be worth millions. I use to collect stamps. They weren’t worth millions. But these could be!"

Me: "Surely not."



Our boss walks in at this moment and we brief him on the current discovery session and conversation.

Tudor: "Did you figure out what they are?"

Me: "Nila just Googled it. Are they some sort of receipt?"

Tudor: "Not really. Back in the old days you use to have to pay a state tax on real estate transactions, that’s what those stamps are for. It helped keep people in check when declaring the value of their property."



Non-productive history lesson for the day: Not regular mailing stamps, not collector’s items worth millions…just taxes.

Karma filtered

So, Saturday was a long day of cleaning house, organizing drawers and running errands. One of the chores on my handy “to-do” list was to change the air filter for my A/C unit, which was struggling along in the fight against our recent Louisiana heat wave. Please keep in mind, that as I recreate this scenario with you, I was hot, sweaty, tired, and had reached my limit of patience for the day…but I guess that’s still really not an excuse for the “wise” parenting practices I chose:

Picture it: standing before the air duct in my hall with Brandon slightly to my left

Me: “Brandon, please take this new filter out of the plastic while I unscrew the grill from the air duct.”
(I toss the new filter at him and spin to complete the task at hand)

Brandon: “Sure, mom.”

Grill removed, I pull out the filthy air filter and turn to exchange it with Brandon for the new one, only to discover that he STILL had not removed the packaging from the replacement.  "Slow as molasses," as my father would say "Quit fiddly-fartin' around!"  But I did not choose those words...

Me: “Really?! Here...take this old one to the trash and gimme that. You suck!”

(I would like to defend my choice of words by letting you know that I was smiling and using a playful tone at this point, even though I sort of meant it too)

I grab the new filter and in my haste to “school” Brandon on quick packaging removal, I lost my grip on the left side of the filter, causing it to shoot up and smack me in the face, busting my lower lip.

Brandon: (laughing hysterically at this point) “Now THAT’S what you call Karma!”


Lesson learned…pride in check…air filter clean.