A memoir of musings, allegories and adventures covering my inspired life...

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Communicato NOT-oh Mr. Roberto

So yesterday was my ladies’ life group meeting and every meeting each person is designated a food item to bring based on that week’s chosen theme. Last night was Mexican Delight! I was assigned the chips and queso. Easy, right? WRONG.

I decided to save time by going to a local Mexican restaurant to pick up my contribution for that evening’s dinner instead of making it myself. So I walk into the restaurant and greet the man at the counter, for the sake of this story, we will call him…Roberto. So enthusiastically I greet him by saying, “Hola! I would like to order chips and queso for 10 people please.” And he’s all, “Cheeps ahn kehsoh?” And I’m like, “Yes please, for ten people.” So Roberto is like, “You spek Spahneesh?” I get asked that A LOT, so I’m all, “No only Eeengles.” Don’t ask me why I was speaking English with a Hispanic accent at this point. I guess it was my attempt to communicate in the grey area of our nationalities. And at this point I’m thinking…Man, I shouldn’t have said ‘hola’, it gave him the wrong impression.

So now I’m realizing that Roberto doesn’t understand what I am trying to order. He’s all, “Okeh, Cheeps ahn kehsoh?” And I’m like, “Yes, for TEN people.” He still looks confused, so a VERY obnoxious helpful elderly woman behind me yells, “She means for several people…like a PARTY! Chips and cheese for a PARTY!” Apparently she believes that by speaking louder, he will suddenly learn English and have a better understanding. So Roberto replies, “Diez?” And I’m like, “Oh yeah! Diez people!” And he’s all, “No problem…Fife meenutes.” I breathe a sigh of relief. We did it! We communicated. My order is on its way!

A couple of minutes later a petite Mexican server walks over to me with FOUR LARGE BAGS of tortilla chips and a separate large bag filled with containers of queso. He says, “Ten orders of chips and queso?” FAIL

It was enough to feed 40 people...literally.
I explain to the man (who spoke English) that it was for ten people, not ten orders. He apologized for the miscommunication and allowed me to take what they had prepared but only charged me for what I had ordered. When I got to life group, the girls were laughing at me for bringing enough chips and queso to serve the entire Mexican armed forces. But you KNOW they ate it all up anyway!!! Just kidding, we had 3 bags left.
I had one of the girls take this photo so you could see the queso containers were nearly the same size as my head.
I should have listened to my parents as a teenager when they suggested I take Spanish instead of three years of French. Cheeps and Kehsoh anyone?

Monday, August 22, 2011

My Bank Is Conspiring Against Me

I needed to make a bank deposit this morning after running carpool. Having just rolled out of bed and walking out the door in my pjs with bed head and sleep still clinging to the corners of my eyes, I was not dressed appropriately for public viewing. I thought, No biggie…I’ll just go through the drive-thru.

Apparently my bank has a new “watch dog” of sorts. A GIANT locust was waiting for me near the receptacle. He was probably the leader of the locust plague in the bible. He sat there guarding the drive-thru receptacle…staring me down…inviting me to make my next move. What I saw was this:
I risked life and limb to get this photo.  You SEE?!  He's bigger than that lady's head in the car next to me!
What I pictured in my mind was more like this:

Clearly I needed to use proper caution
Where AM I?! Is this thing LOST or something? Why is it sitting there taunting me…laughing at my fear? I tried honking my horn to scare it away. He didn’t even flinch! Oh yeah…he was a professional alright. It was time to bring out the big guns…my loose change. I cracked my car window juuust a tad and began hurling pennies at the beast. (Just so you know, it’s pretty hard to properly aim your pennies through a one inch crack in the window when the lady in the black car next to me is giving me dirty looks.) So distracting!  I wasn't throwing the coins at HER!

Needless to say my deposit was not made this morning. Maybe my banker is jealous of all that moola I keep depositing into my account, or maybe it’s just all a part of a larger conspiracy.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Tough Guys Don't Cry...They Grunt

I'd like to discuss briefly this little nugget I stumbled upon in my Facebook news feed yesterday.  The names have been censored to protect the manlihood of those involved...

I'd like you all to pay particular attention to the two bottom responses offered by Dan's fellow bros.  Thank you, old high school buddies, for proving what I always knew...that guys like to sit around talking about their feelings, too.  It's just so...touching. *grunt*

P.S. Tom you rock!

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Breaking all the “Cool Mom” Rules

First day of school! First day of school!  So here are the gratuitous shots I got this morning through my sleep-filled eyes…
This was his reaction to my instruction to "look more enthusiastic about your photo being taken"
The only somewhat normal photo I got

This was him telling me he was done with photos for the day

The progressive "eye roll" shot.  I tried to tell him that the proper eye roll is done CLOCKWISE...not counter-clockwise!
Have I mentioned that I LOVE my Canon 40D and it's ability to shoot several frames per second?  Okay, back to the story.

I was filled with pride today as my only son walked toward Bolton High School (Go Bears!) for the beginning of his freshman year. Then suddenly…a thought…THIS, my friends, is a Kodak moment!!!

So I whip out my Blackberry and frantically press the buttons to open the camera app. My heart was racing. What was I doing?!?! My next move could make or break his reputation for years to come. What would he say when he found out?? How could something be sooo wrong when it felt sooo right? So I did it. I threw caution to the wind and snapped a photo of my baby bear walking up to the school. Oh yes I did. Right in front of everyone! I paused for a moment and gazed at my new photographic treasure as the narration ran through my mind. After 14 years of inconspicuous and expert maneuvers, Abby’s efforts were amply rewarded with the coveted cell phone camera shot of the elusive bear cub approaching his new den.

Steele Wilson...freshman bear cub
The line of carpoolers piling up behind me was my cue to flee the scene before being discovered.  I'd like to think that those parents were not annoyed, but beaming with pride at the new frontier I had reached.  The car horns honking behind me led me to believe otherwise.

Oh yeah…I’m THAT mom!

I could have spared his ego this one time…but sometimes it’s easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask permission.

Monday, August 15, 2011

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words...Some Should Be Left Unspoken

As far as random hobbies go, photography is my first love.  I try my best to use my camera to share the emotion of every moment.  Those who are photogs themselves are aware that sometimes this emotion is staged...and a LOT of the time, the beauty in the picture could NEVER SPEAK of the reality of the moment during the shoot.

The "behind the scenes" moments, are what keep me from venturing into photography as a full time career.  It's not all kittens and roses here people!  Let's take a look back at some of my more memorable shoots...well, memorable for ME at least...

Ahhh the love between a mother and her first born child...you would never know that while taking this photo, I backed my left foot straight into a soft cow patty.  The field we were in was littered with them.  It was a sea of landmines, and since my eyes were fixed through the lens, I didn't stand a chance.
I know what you're thinking...my parents, exiting the wedding ceremony...all aglow with happiness surrounding my youngest sisters nuptials...no, sorry...they were laughing because my dad forgot his suspenders and the trousers of his rented tux were falling to his knees as he walked in front of over a hundred guests.  You can see him holding them up.
Happy baby all smiles for his mommy??? NOT, immediately after the shutter captured this moment, the poor unstable infant fell over like newly harvested timber.  He hadn't quite mastered sitting up alone for more than a split second, and we all spent the next few moments regaining composure.
Oh how we all love to gaze upon the fresh and dewey blushing bride.  You couldn't even IMAGINE that right before this photo she was yelling for someone to get her some paper towels so she could wipe the sweat from her armpits.  Ya gotta love this girl! lol
"I don't WANT to be a princess!"  she screamed through her tears as countless bridesmaids attempted to get her on her feet and smiling for the camera.

So calm, peaceful, passionate...I was hardly feeling it at the time as I was standing in the middle of the street, dodging oncoming traffic.  I risked my LIFE for this shot people!  Well, not really, but I sure did annoy some Sunday drivers.
Children of the corn?  Well, that's not what I was going for in this photo, but I was tripping and falling over newly harvested corn cobs and broken stalks...not to mention the looming fear of critters of the corn.
Such a sweet family moment....immediately followed by me knocking over a couple of decorative items with my behind, bruising my shin on the corner of the chest of drawers and tripping over the dog on the way out of the room.

Thanks to all my friends and family for opening your cherished moments to me, so that I can grow as a photographer...and learn where not to step in a corn field or cow pasture.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Little Miss Magoo in her Myopia Utopia

So recently I purchased a new pair of glasses, something I hadn’t bothered with in the last ten years since I primarily wear contacts.  I was chatting with my sister, Alysson, later that day and I was telling her how blind I felt when I could not even see my own face in the mirror 3 feet away without corrective lenses.  Alysson quickly reminded me that she is far worse off than I in that department, being as her prescription is so strong that she is considered legally blind.  Then she reminded me of the “driver’s licensing exam dilemma” which I am more than happy to share with you today.

It was finally Alysson’s turn to get her ticket to freedom by becoming licensed to drive in the State of Louisiana.  Alysson was anxious about her driver’s licensing exam that day and my dad used the drive to the local department of motor vehicles as an opportunity to give her a few pointers.  Dad was like, “The best thing to do is take your eye exam WITHOUT your eye glasses.  That’s what I do.  That way you don’t get any restrictions put on your license.”  (Dad always gets a kick out of “stickin’ it to the man”)

Being the obedient child that she was, my sister who has the sight capacity of Mr. Magoo tucked her glasses away in her purse and walked to the counter for her sight test.  She gazed in the direction of the eye chart and quickly and confidently rattled off the letters.  “oh PEE oh PEE, pee pee oh PEE!” And the DMV lady was all, “Ma’am, its numbers not letters,” so Alysson was like, “Oh okay…zero…” and the DMV lady was all, “Um, no.”  So Alysson was like, “Okay let me just get out my glasses.”  FAIL

Sometimes we see what we WANT to see, not what’s really there.  It’s always better to recognize your weaknesses and take measures to overcome rather than hide them.  One of Alysson’s greatest attributes is her ability to recognize her strengths as well as her weaknesses, and use both to make a difference in the lives of others.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Rotten Eggs

Thanks to my best friend and sister, Alysson, whose friendship keeps me grounded in the roots of our carefree childhood.

So my sister and her fiancé, Miah, were playing tennis in the park recently.  To the right was a child’s modest birthday party centered around a picnic table filled with treats.  To the left, in juxtaposition, was another child’s birthday party, literally bouncing with the excitement of a bold and brightly colored space jumper.  While lobbing the ball back and forth, Alysson and Miah were becoming more and more aware of the void their court created; a void which separated the children of peaceful budget bondage, from the party of screaming chaotic excitement.
Then it happened…a defector.  The leader in a soon-to-follow pack of children starved for freedom bolted out across the tennis court in pursuit of a better life the jumper.  He didn’t care what the consequences of his betrayal may be.  All he knew was that that bounce house was HIS.  He was in a total body sprint, running full on with his head thrown back, knees to the chest, arms pumping and chest heaving with every breath as he yelled, “Last one there is a ROTTEN EEEEEEGG!”
Thirty to forty-five seconds behind him trailed a little runt of a child, moving with half-effort and waddling along granny-run style.  In his determination to not be defeated he yells, “First one has to EAT IT!!”

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Me No Speaka de Engrish

In my opinion, the following words should pretty much be deleted from English altogether.

My highschool English teacher is probably
rolling over in her grave...if she's dead.
 Top Ten Words That Make Me Throw Up In My Mouth a Little

10. swinged – Yep, this is a word…there has to be a better way people

9. drawer – I feel like I have never actually pronounced this word properly

8. supple - *shiver* It’s supposed to be a positive word, but it just feels creepy rolling off my tongue

7. heinous – the definition of the word pretty much says it all

6. rural – I have to use this word often at work and frankly, it makes me feel as though I have a speech impediment

5. teat – I feel like this is just a nasty word that has not yet been completed

4. goiter – as if the thing it’s describing is not already disgusting enough! We have to give it a name that brings MORE attention to the thing!

3. squat – I really don’t think I need to explain this one…say it out loud…go ahead…just say it

2. puberty – That’s it! Kick ‘em while their down and feeling self-conscious about their pimply-faced, hairy, smelly awkward bodies. Tell them it’s just PUBERTY!

1. MOIST – OMG I HATE this word! I cringe every time someone uses it, especially when it’s used in conjunction with number 8.

Notice I did not include “ain’t” in that list. It is because I am of the strict position that “ain’t” is not a word. No Brandon, I don’t CARE if it has been added to Webster’s Dictionary. I feel that Webster is soft and was probably persuaded by a Texas politician to do so. As for my house…that word is FORBIDDEN!

And on a further note…I’ve noticed lately that some of my peers have shut off the proper English portions of their brains for the summer. Friends? Why am I hearing things coming out of your mouths such as “…here in Looosiana,” and, “Let’s do lunch next Toosdee,”?

And on Facebook?!?! Why are so many of you replacing the word “quiet” with “quite,” or “sense” with “since”?!?!

That just doesn’t make any since.