A memoir of musings, allegories and adventures covering my inspired life...

Friday, July 29, 2011

Mammas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Do Laundry

Below is a list of the Top TEN THINGS my Mother Never Taught Me  *FAIL*
It's a JOKE mom, calm down...Love You!! lol
10) How in the WORLD do you fold a fitted bed sheet into a nice flat square like when you first bought it?!?! It’s like the bedding manufacturers sit there and TRY to think of ways to make my life difficult on a laundry day. And don’t EVEN get me started on how hard it is to get the fitted sheet on an extra plush pillow-top mattress!

9)  How to speak Tagalog (her native Filipino language). I just know those hens are in the other room just chattin’ up a storm about me. Because let’s face it…what would be a more interesting topic than ME? (Good thing I picked up a few cuss words from my grandmother along the way while she was taking care of us. At least I know when they are using those.)

8)  How to sew. Although, this one may not count since she herself couldn’t sew to save her life. I recall a hole in the crotch of a pair of pants that she attempted to sew and the resulting hem looked more like the Rio Grande

7)  How to properly iron a pair of slacks. I know, right? So simple, but for me…NOT! I had to buy a dryer with a “wrinkle release” setting just to keep my son from looking like a prune for church. Too bad the dryer can’t make those pretty creases.

*yes…I believe there is a pattern of “laundry lessons” existing within this list…curious…this may explain why my mom has enough clothes to wear a different outfit every day for 5 years without doing laundry…she’s allergic to laundry!!! Maybe I am, too! Oh the suffering we mothers endure!

6)  How to take a good power nap. This is one of my mother’s super powers. The woman can nap anytime…anywhere, and be recharged in 20 minutes or less. I, on the other hand, could not even sleep during daylight if I were medicated. Maybe this one isn’t her fault either…maybe it’s a gene that I did not inherit. Or maybe she doesn’t have a super power, and she’s just narcoleptic.

5)  How to make ANYTHING look delicious! OMG, have you ever had a snack at this woman’s house? She can serve you sauerkraut and anchovies on a Ritz cracker and make you drool while she is preparing it. She gets out these little hors d’ oeuvres plates, advertises each ingredient as she places it on the snack and then serves it with garnish and a sprinkle of Pecorino cheese (because, as mom would say “Pecorino makes everything taste wonderful”)

4)  How to look FABULOUS for only $9.99! This woman can REALLY sniff out a deal when it comes to clothing. I can’t even tell you all of her tricks-of-the-trade. All I can say is, she’s still bragging about the fact that her dress for my sister’s wedding was only $30 on sale at JCP online with free shipping, and the rest of us spent at least $250 for ours.

3)  How to pick things up with her toes. She may kill me for mentioning this one, but my mom has the most FREAKISH AMAZING ability to pick things up with her feet. Dirty clothes, writing utensils, skittles…nothing is a match for her super cleaning abilities

2)  How to work out in 3 inch heels. Yeah…you read that correctly. She works out in her heels…she’s ALWAYS wearing heels (except when she's picking things up with her toes). She likes the heels because they make her feel taller (she’s 5 feet tall on a good day). And she doesn’t just do yoga or Pilates…I’m talking treadmill, elliptical, jazzercise action. Dr. Scholl’s would be disappointed to say the least.

1)  How to keep the kids from sneak peeks under the Christmas tree. So my mom every year (and still to this day) wraps gifts and puts them under the tree…without gift tags. So no one ever knows who each wrapped gift is for on Christmas day…including my mother…she forgets. So we all sit around the tree and hold up a gift and we’re like, “Hey mom, who’s is THIS?” And she’s all, “Ummm, I can’t remember, open it and let’s find out.” Then I open the gift and I’m all, “Gold Bond foot cream?” And she’s all, “Oh wait! That’s for your dad…here Daddy! Okay maybe this one is for you.” Christmas mystery gift ROCKS!