Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Curtain

Recently a friend of mine posted a comment on Facebook regarding her young daughter’s gratitude for magically turning last night’s leftover tortillas into corn chips so she could enjoy a second day snack. It got me reminiscing on the good ole days when Steele was young and gullible innocent…the days of being the wizard BEHIND the curtain. I could do no wrong in those days. My motives were never questioned, my answers to life’s questions carried more weight than Wikipedia, and I had magical powers of healing and insight unmatched by those of even the likes of Superman. I can’t exactly pinpoint for you when and where the reality exposure actually occurred, but something tells me the following incidents played a small part in the demise of my superhero identity.

Sometime in 2001 (Age 4) – The day he discovered I can’t really cook.  He used to always brag about my cooking. He would tell people all the time how I made the best cookies ever.

Steele: Mom, Ms. Jane made the best cookies and I told her they were just like yours and she said that’s because you buy the same kind from the store

Summer 2004 (Age 7) - The day he found out I really DIDN’T have eyes in the back of my head.
Driving home after school one day, I glance in my rearview mirror to find my son digging for treasures deep within the vast cavern of where his brain SHOULD reside

Me: Get that finger out of your nose! It’s disgusting!
I glance back into my rearview mirror to find him rolling his eyes in response

Me: And don’t roll those eyes at me!
His eyes accidentally meet mine in the rearview mirror and my heart stops…I’ve been busted.

Steele: Heeeeeeeeyyy! I just saw you look at me in that mirror! So all this time I thought you were like a circus freak with an invisible third eye and it turns out you were just lying to me? That’s just wrong, mom. So wrong.

December 2006 (Age 9) – The day he discovered that Santa was a fraud…or in the least, the day he revealed that fact to me.

Me: If you don’t clean your room Santa is gonna put you on his naughty list.

Steele: Mom, I guess I should go ahead and let you know. I’ve known Santa wasn’t real for a couple of years now. I just didn’t say anything because I wanted to get all of the extra presents at Christmas.

August 2008 (Age 11) – The day he realized he doesn’t ACTUALLY need to hold my hand when walking through a parking lot or crossing the street

I always explained to Steele that it’s important for him to hold my hand when crossing the street because he was small and the drivers around us may not be able to see him walking, but if he held my hand, they could see me and he would be safe.

Me: Wait for me so I can hold your hand! How many times do I have to tell you it’s unsafe for you to walk ahead of me?

Steele: Really Mom? In case you haven’t noticed, I’m taller than you now.

March 2010 (Age 13) – The day he realized he was better at doing mathmatical calculations in his head
At a restaurant as I signed the bill
Steele – Uh, mom? Do you ALWAYS tip the waitress 25%? I wouldn’t say her service was THAT good.

Me: That’s not 20%, it’s 15%.

Steele: Maybe you should just base the tip on the old “two-times-the-tax-rule” from now on. It may be easier than calculating it in your head.