Rotten Eggs

Thanks to my best friend and sister, Alysson, whose friendship keeps me grounded in the roots of our carefree childhood.

So my sister and her fiancé, Miah, were playing tennis in the park recently.  To the right was a child’s modest birthday party centered around a picnic table filled with treats.  To the left, in juxtaposition, was another child’s birthday party, literally bouncing with the excitement of a bold and brightly colored space jumper.  While lobbing the ball back and forth, Alysson and Miah were becoming more and more aware of the void their court created; a void which separated the children of peaceful budget bondage, from the party of screaming chaotic excitement.

Then it happened…a defector.  The leader in a soon-to-follow pack of children starved for freedom bolted out across the tennis court in pursuit of a better life the jumper.  He didn’t care what the consequences of his betrayal may be.  All he knew was that that bounce house was HIS.  He was in a total body sprint, running full on with his head thrown back, knees to the chest, arms pumping and chest heaving with every breath as he yelled, “Last one there is a ROTTEN EEEEEEGG!”

Thirty to forty-five seconds behind him trailed a little runt of a child, moving with half-effort and waddling along granny-run style.  In his determination to not be defeated he yells, “First one has to EAT IT!!”

Me No Speaka de Engrish

In my opinion, the following words should pretty much be deleted from English altogether.


My highschool English teacher is probably
rolling over in her grave...if she's dead.

 Top Ten Words That Make Me Throw Up In My Mouth a Little

10. swinged – Yep, this is a word…there has to be a better way people

9. drawer – I feel like I have never actually pronounced this word properly

8. supple - *shiver* It’s supposed to be a positive word, but it just feels creepy rolling off my tongue

7. heinous – the definition of the word pretty much says it all

6. rural – I have to use this word often at work and frankly, it makes me feel as though I have a speech impediment

5. teat – I feel like this is just a nasty word that has not yet been completed

4. goiter – as if the thing it’s describing is not already disgusting enough! We have to give it a name that brings MORE attention to the thing!

3. squat – I really don’t think I need to explain this one…say it out loud…go ahead…just say it

2. puberty – That’s it! Kick ‘em while their down and feeling self-conscious about their pimply-faced, hairy, smelly awkward bodies. Tell them it’s just PUBERTY!

1. MOIST – OMG I HATE this word! I cringe every time someone uses it, especially when it’s used in conjunction with number 8.

Notice I did not include “ain’t” in that list. It is because I am of the strict position that “ain’t” is not a word. No Brandon, I don’t CARE if it has been added to Webster’s Dictionary. I feel that Webster is soft and was probably persuaded by a Texas politician to do so. As for my house…that word is FORBIDDEN!

And on a further note…I’ve noticed lately that some of my peers have shut off the proper English portions of their brains for the summer. Friends? Why am I hearing things coming out of your mouths such as “…here in Looosiana,” and, “Let’s do lunch next Toosdee,”?

And on Facebook?!?! Why are so many of you replacing the word “quiet” with “quite,” or “sense” with “since”?!?!

That just doesn’t make any since.